schlackman.org

Please. I don’t mean to sound like an ungrateful bastard, but this is ridiculous.

Every year it gets worse. In a few years time I’m sure people will be asking me what I want for Christmas in June. I’ve duly ignored almost all requests so far, but some people have then chased me up on it, in case I’d forgotten about it. Guess what? I haven’t.

Last time I checked, the shops are actually open in December. You don’t need to have everything bought and wrapped a month in advance. Maybe if I was asking for some scarce, hard-to-find gift, like this year’s must-have toy, or perhaps the Holy Grail, it might be necessary to get these things in ahead of “the rush”. Fact is, I’m probably going to want something that you could pick up on Christmas Eve. Why not try doing just that? You may find the experience curiously liberating.

If you absolutely can’t live without spending money so far in advance, please make a donation in my name to one of the following charities, whom I currently support through monthly donations and will be more than happy to hear you’ve helped too:

• Cancer Research UK
• Guide Dogs for the Blind
• Stonewall

I am being perfectly serious here; honestly, I don’t want for much. On a day to day basis I’m perfectly happy so long as I have enough cold Kit Kats in the fridge and I manage to survive the drive to and from work without being killed by some lunatic in a Porsche Cayenne. If you’re after a more consumerist gift, dear friends and family, rest assured I have not forgotten the fabled Christmas List. I just haven’t really thought of anything I want. I’ll get around to it though, so expect a list in due course, and with plenty of time before Christmas. The truth is, however, that what I truly want are things that can’t really be bought; the good health of me, my family, and my friends; to know that people with disabilities can go about their lives; and to live in a world where people aren’t looked down upon people for senseless reasons like the colour of their skin, or what god they worship, or who they have sex with.

I know it’s not the answer you want when you ask me what I want for Christmas, and I know it’s something of a cliché – but it’s the truth.